The day faded into night, and Paul and I were like the only two people in the world.
I get it now – how people warn you not to “lose yourself” when you become a mom.
I was always so much fun. People knew me back then (ok, they probably still do) as loud and a little obnoxious. I never fell asleep first, always down for anything. I loved to have fun and make people laugh, and those were pretty much my only two missions on a daily basis.
Now, with two littles and trying to figure out this whole motherhood thing on a daily basis, that Corianne has changed… evolved… so much. I’m far more worried about health and safety and how often my kids have bowel movements (I mean…) than I am about happy hours and being social and people liking me. I’m much more serious, and a lot less spontaneous, and that made me a little sad. I thought about it on this night, as I realized how much I missed… me.
I was crazily aware of this contrast as we sprinted/danced through the fairgrounds, under the sparkling lights, trying to decide if we wanted to make ourselves throw up on El Nino, or just go classic fun and do the old white roller coaster… we chose both. The coaster was amazing – I drive by it every day, and I had forgotten about how free you feel when you’re in the front of the cart and diving through the darkness with perfect strangers behind you. I thought about how years have weighed me down, and they shouldn’t. Why do we let them? I felt like the roller coaster helped to throw off some of that weight that I’d been holding onto so carefully. Is that silly?
I got in trouble for swinging on the swings last night, just like I did in sixth grade, and it felt so good. I thought about Porter, and how he would probably LOVE this mommy… the fun, giggling, rulebreaking mom that was very much present and living in the moment. I thought about Paul, whose hand I was holding, and how he fell in love and proposed marriage to that girl. Now, I’m not saying he doesn’t love every phase of me, but I think he really loved remembering who I was at the core, and that I’m still very much the obnoxious, silly, spontaneous girl that drew him in. You know, aside from all the anxious worrying and Googling flu symptoms (really, why do I do that – I was never a worrier before I became a mom).
Life is all about balance. I admit, I’m not very good at that part yet. I need to find a better balance between being a responsible and graceful mom and a fun-loving spontaneous wife and friend. I can be responsible and spontaneous. I can be organized and fun loving.
Now that I’m keenly aware of this, I can work toward becoming the best version of myself.
How do you find balance? How has being a mom changed you?